This past weekend at Misti-Con I let my other side out for the first time in public. It was such an invigorating experience. I am a little depressed at the moment because I realize it will be a while before I have that opportunity again, but it was really special for me and I cannot be thankful enough for the people that accepted me and gave me such fond memories. I was so happy for those four days and as I sit here and write this I am becoming a little teary eyed. Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood are my favorite characters in the Harry Potter series and be able to portray them in full costume was the highlight of 2017 for me. I have dressed up before but never to this extent and never out in front of people. This space gave me the ability to actually feel comfortable enough to do so. I don’t mean to ramble, but I wanted to thank Misti for giving me such defining moment in my life. The organizers and presenters and everyone that dedicated all their hard work to make this con happen made it the most special place for me. As well as the attendees and old friends that never made me question my decision. In 2015 I discovered a place that meant the world to me, and 2017 reaffirmed why it continues to be my safe place where I am truly free and happy. I’m going to stop writing now because I am starting to cry again, but from the bottom of my heart I love you all and thank you for letting me be myself for the first time in many years. I love you Misti and I hope to see you in 2019. ❤ ❤
As Misti Con gets closer and closer my nerves continue to go up. It’s quite annoying since I can’t keep track on which nerves I should focus on. On one hand I have to give a presentation, which I’ll obviously be prepared for. On the other hand I want to dress up as Hermione and Luna, but I am a bit terrified about the reaction and about interacting with other people. My women’s clothing interest have never left my room or my friends apartment. That being said as of last weekend I feel my preparation for these characters has come too far. I have purchased a good supply of makeup for the characters facial features and it seems silly to spend close to three hundred dollars for cosplays I won’t put on. That being said I am still terrified and I probably will be until a week from Thursday. Even then I have no guarantees of escaping an anxiety attack. Hopefully everything will work out and day one will make me comfortable enough for the rest of the con. Any bad experiences with fellow con attendees and I’m not sure what I’ll do. Being called out on is fine I guess, but where is the line drawn when it comes to this comparison? Calling out a cosplay and criticizing a cross dresser are two different things. All this being said if I’m being completely truthful I’m really excited about the pile of makeup I purchased this weekend. I’m not sure why exactly except for of course portraying Hermione and Luna but having my own just makes it more official in my mind I guess. I also love the spray I bought for my wigs to detangle them. They feel so soft and they smell like strawberries!!! I love it. Anyway I’ll probably post within a week or so reiterating what this post already says. I guess I’ve ranted enough for the time being. Thank you for listening.
Tonight is the event known as the Oscars, where they praise actors and the Hollywood Elite for continuing to be famous and overpaid. Sure some of them deserved the nominations, but in all honesty I don’t understand what makes these people more deserving than any other average person. Not to toot my own horn, but I act on a daily basis and no one recognizes me for it. Where’s My Oscar? Don’t I get an award for pretending to be alive in this pitiful existence? I fake my happiness at work, I fake my identity at home, and I hide my past from this pathetic place I call my hometown. The same people come into my work, they work in the local stores I shop at, or the places I go to eat, the same people I used to see in the hallways making comments or sniggering uncontrollably for some stupid reason. I’m done with this role, I have been playing it for far too long. Escape is no longer a choice, but rather a necessity I need a new place, a place where I can become a new person, a new character, anything that cuts my ties from this place. I wanna drift into the abyss, into a new place, a new life, a new me.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Not that I’m going to be getting anything. I find it quite refreshing to type on this blog knowing that no one will probably ever see it. At least not while I’m around here. I fear my interests have become stronger and the more I do it the more I enjoy it, even though the risk of being ridiculed is a constant threat that I can’t seem to elude. While I don’t have a Valentine this year it is probably for the best. If I plan on making it to England in October then having a girlfriend would be nothing but an obstacle. I’m making final adjustments, but it seems my cosplay efforts are starting to come together. Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood are my two characters. Frankly I don’t have anymore that appeal to me the way they do. The exception to this might be Harley Quinn, however not having a con to wear it for I will probably hold off until I can do it in secret with someone. My job is still killing me, but I like to think the next eight months won’t drag too much. Anyway, just a little summary of my life at the moment. It’s nice to be real, even if it’s just to yourself.
Thanks for listening.
I’ve noticed a string of changes this past few months. From ordering clothes for cosplays to wearing undergarments at work I am fully coming to terms with my desire for cross dressing. My worry is once I am given full reign I will lose the support or comfort level to continue doing so. I dream of being with a girl. Dressed as a girl. She could dress me up and do my makeup and all that. She would know I’m a guy though. She wouldn’t judge me for my sexual fetishes or interests. I just like dressing up that way. I still have a dick, just play along with my fantasy. Can’t you pretend to be with a girl even if she is a fake for ten minutes? Especially since you will talk the clothes off right me? Can’t I just be who I want to be? Can’t I call myself Emily? I’m Emily Fitch bitch and I like girls and I’m dating Naomi Campbell. Don’t call me crazy or demented. I’m fully aware of my odd obsession. All I ask is to listen to me. Let me explain and try to look past the one issue and see me for who I am. A whole person. Emily will be my name someday…..If you call me that you are one of my truest friends and I love you for not running away from me or calling me a freak.
That’s it for now.
Emma or Emily?
I made this blog so I can speak to myself about things no one else knows. Emma or Emily are the two names I identify with my feminine side. Unfortunately, no one is currently aware that side even exists outside of people on the internet. I can’t see that changing anytime soon but it’s nice to have the comfort of a new blog to share my secrets with. Emma was a name I always considered choosing if I ever had a daughter, while Emily is a fairly new inspiration I received while watch a British Drama called Skins. Perhaps I will dwell on this a bit deeper in the future, but for now it’s nice to have a secret.
Today I am Emily.